The crazy of the day fades into the calm of the night.
The world continues to spin.
For some it's an ending, for others, it's when the wheels start to turn.
A "doctor" told me last week, "you've certainly been through more trauma than most". I responded to him, "everybody has their demons, and their monsters...we all have things that haunt us from the past". He then said again, "trust me, you've had more than your fair share". If only he knew... (or cared about really ) ... the truth, and the depth of these experiences. There's hurt that has seared through my body, mind and soul... and continues to do so daily. The astounding part to me personally, is that when I smile, it's for real. I smile out of being happy...and truly enjoying the moment. Trauma is devastating, it's shocking, it's scary because it creeps so softly into your life without notice sometimes... and the people that take part in "it" are probably suffering themselves. That's the hardest part. Wanting to blame them for being wretched people, diabolical horrors, creatures that have no right to exist... In truth though, they are our family, our friends, our neighbors... they are people that share life with us. And then the even harder part is the one constant through all of it? Well, obviously, it's me. Or it's you. It's your friend, your sibling, your spouse. Goodness forbid it should ever be a child of yours...or mine. But the hardest part is that yes, it's only me to really blame right? I'm the person that's been there for all of the "hurts". It's not my fault that when I was two years old...or three, four, five etc, all the way until nearly now... that these things happened...or is it? No, it isn't. When did I become accountable? At what point does it turn into my fault? I've tried to take ownership, and I do...but at two years old...or even at fifteen, and your scared, and you don't know what to do? Well, then what honestly can you do?
Further then, how can you stop history in it's tracks and PREVENT the repetition that is a demon itself in working so hard to battle for the bad? You can go to the actor/therapist and listen to why your more worthy of pity than others. You can go into a trauma rehab center/spa and discuss daily how you could have made things better...or how you can from here on make them better. In doing something like that though you've got the added benefit of hearing everybody else's stories of sadness. Fun. Helpful! You could get involved in a church/temple or cult...or, you could become addicted to crack.
So again, just my two cents. Own up to the trouble you've caused...to the pain you've caused...talk to somebody ( preferably a person that others can also see and hear so as not to get a biased opinion ) that isn't a quack and a couple times a week, hash out your feelings...figure out the root cause. Don't saturate yourself in pain every single day...willing to change the way you behave, or the way you view the world is enough from your own free will, to get you through whatever healing process you need...in most cases. I've said this is what I've done, this is what others have done to me, and I don't want to be that person any longer. And I meant it, and I mean it now.
As a child, I "took out" my aggression, my pain, and all the emotions I didn't know what to do with, on paper. I went through dozens upon dozens of notebooks, journals, the edges of every single news paper, blank spaces in magazines etc. And I sketched. I was enamored with design and with the glamour of Hollywood, since before I can remember.
My voice is unique. People like listening to it...children love it, men like it for their own reasons...it's bouncy yet soothing, and gracefully flippity...it's little, and strong and precious. So there's two things out of the three I believe I can do well.
1) Design...any-thing for any-body...any style, any piece of jewelry, any piece of clothing...that's the artist in me...the diversity is pretty impressive and I say this again not out of ego, rather out of passion, and confidence in what I do.
2) Voice Over. Anything from cartoon fish ( a surfer dudette cartoon fish ) to voicing animated porn...I can do it. I can even carry a tune...NOT sing...but I can stay on key. That's something.
3) The third things is probably the most important of my talents... I have them ability , when given the chance, or the opportunity, to make people smile. I hold great amounts of compassion for all. And it's a part of who I am and who I've always seen myself being.
So, here are A LOT of sketches from the past years starting in jr.high...
Thank you for reading! Quite Kindly, Mell
