Twitter:ohmymelli So many times, I've wanted to call him on it. Literally just call him right up and ask flat out. " What in the hell were you thinking!!???". Though the thought is knocked clear across the room by logic. If I did that, alarm bells would ring, lights would flash red, sirens would sound... It would not be good. His fear is worse than mine. Only he has absolutely no idea...At all...About any of it. My own clarification is recent. The extent of it rather. I suppose the only person that kept me in the dark, well, was me. It's human nature. Survival instincts. I have two kids that make my world spin. And for them, I cannot let the monster from my childhood free. For them, I'm in automatic survival mommy mode. How could I possibly keep them safe if I'm not safe? Right I can't. So the bigger question becomes, how do I get me safe? Each time I sit down to type this, a new set of questions unravels. It's like in the cartoons, one of those never ending scrolls. 1) How come nobody knew this was happening? That's the #2. 2) If they were truly medically certified, how come nobody told me this was happening? That's the next #2. 3) 2+2=??? Right. It equals #4. So then why in the world did I not say anything? Honestly you still don't know? I said it already. THE CARDINAL RULE OF BEING A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING??? SURVIVAL INSTINCT. And I'll tell you in truth, once the files of my mind were so violently shaken out of order, (car accident) in my efforts to survive, as something other than a vegetable, it is again up to only me, to sort through the mess, and clean it the fuck out. Not to mention the fact that it's all way beyond terrifyingly disturbing. I've found myself understanding things that hit me so hard, like the pieces of stories, movies, etc, that've stuck for seemingly no reason at all. The growing comprehension of who I am, is crystallizing, and kind of remarkable really. The trauma though is vicious. Every beautifully painted masterpiece I'm able to hang back up on the wall, is in combination with a heinous cobweb. I'll figure it out though. I always do. To whomever is reading this, while I'm not in any way, shape, or form, yours, I do thank you quite kindly. Melissa... Oh My.